It's a strange time to be dealing with recurrence. It's the wee hours of Good Friday as I'm writing this. This week, I kept coming back to this hymn (which I love but makes me sad, so I rarely sing it) I kept coming back to Jesus in the garden, praying and wishing the cup would be taken from him but ultimately choosing to say "Not my will, but thine."
I've thought in the past that part seemed to make the Bible less believable. Now, I think it makes it more believable.
Not only did Jesus know he was going to face a horrific death, but he knew what was to come next- the separation from the father, the pouring out of judgment, and the descent.
He also knew how many would betray Him. It must have felt so lonely. I have wondered why the crowds turned on Him so quickly, so this morning, I read through the story again. Why choose Barabbas? Why yell crucify him about Jesus?
Well, I realized in the timeline that He made them choose between leaders.
After the triumphal entry, He told them that the what was given to the Jews would be given to others.
After the triumphal entry, he told the Jews to pay taxes- taxes that were crushing them financially.
After the triumphal entry, he turned over tables in the temple, signaling that He was not ushering in a return to the life the Jewish people once enjoyed as a sovereign nation, who practiced religion but lacked relationship.
After the triumphal entry, it was to the masses obvious He wasn't the military man to come and solve their earthly problems.
And who was Barabbas?
He was the man who murdered for the cause. He participated in insurrection. He was a man of earthly action.
Jesus made them choose between focusing on God or focusing on their daily troubles. In fairness, these troubles were awful. People were mistreated, enslaved, and dying. But rather than choosing to follow Jesus, they chose a leader of rebellion.
So, we can see how the crowd turned on Him. That would have been a very lonely place to be.
And here I'm struggling with agreeing to another port-a-cath.
But it's ok. And Christ just keeps meeting me back where I am in the middle of my tantrums and my feet dragging and reminding me that I'm not Him. I can't do this without Him, but I have to choose to focus on HIM, not the daily troubles.
I think I've gotten a handle on the idea of treatment again, but I'm still not making any choices. I did see God closing some doors for me and that was helpful. One doctor isn't able to be seen. Ernest, a sweet nurseat U of C, told me who I needed to have a a consulting doctor and he even called me back to tell me a second time. So, that's who my consulting gyn onc will be.
As far as anything else, it's all up in the air.
I've learned a lot about all sorts of details, but for now, I just want to try to put it out of my mind and focus on the holiday.
I desperately need hope at a time that is so overwhelming, and Easter has become my favorite holiday. Christmas is awesome but Easter!
Easter is the time that hope is realized. It is when- here in this hemisphere at least- the world is waking up and all the little bulbs are pushing out of the ground and trees are budding and garden seedlings are starting. And it's when we celebrate that Jesus overcame death, having power over all life and death. Even mine.
It is a special holiday for our family. We go to a sunrise service of Jack's Mountain to watch the sunrise and sing hymns. It's usually freezing and we rush back to my in-laws' to get ready for a regular church service.
I missed Thanksgiving with our family last year so I insisted on coming for Easter despite everything that is happening. If this ends up being the last one, I don't want to miss it. I need at least one more season of hope after the sorrow, but I am hoping for many more seasons of hope and a few less of sorrow!
But if not, I know there is an eternity of hope ahead, spent with the one who endured so I could have it. ❤
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