I waited to write this until I let those who needed to hear it first know. It is emotionally and mentally taxing to dive into telling people this kind of news, so that's why I think I prefer writing. It spares me from the directness of a phone call or in person!
As I am sure you all expected-
The cancer is back. There is a small recurrence in my liver. My onc says there is no rush but she wants me to start chemo in April. I asked if it could wait until after Sadie's 13th birthday at the end of the month and she does not want me to do that. She also wants me to get another port, which I hated as my last one was always painful and got infected.
It would last 6 rounds. If everything went perfectly, I would be done by the end of the summer, but we all know chemo never goes perfectly and my bone marrow is especially sensitive. There would be delays. So, the trip to the Waterpark with my girls, Mother's Day, my birthday, Bronson's birthday, Father's Day, the whole gardening season (which y'all know I love)... I would spend it all bald and in bed all over again. Ugh.
She wants me to meet with another onc for a 2nd opinion and to choose which chemo would be best. They want to possibly retry the chemo I had anaphylaxis to. Believe it or not, I have not researched these other chemos to death yet. 🤣
So, I have not yet made any decisions. What my doctor wants and what I want are at odds and this is MY life and MY body. I know what is *medically* best but I also know in my the depths of my heart that life is about more than extending our days.
I am asking everyone to refrain from advice on what I should or should not do. This is a decision that is strictly between Bronson, the girls, me, and God. Ultimately, people will say what they say, but please think first. That's all I ask. I'm a delicate little snowflake. 🤣
We know the standard way this works. Chemo anytime a recurrence pops up for life until your body gives out and can no longer take the barrage of poison. Ovarian cancer isn't like other cancers. After a recurrence, you are considered stage 4 and it is expected to continue to come back.
At least, that's the usual. There are cases of women who have a recurrence and then get into remission for years and never see another recurrence. It's just not the norm.
...like, really, really not the norm. 🤣
Now the good news-
I feel great. Truly, I don't feel sick or in pain. The recurrence is too small yet to cause any pain or symptoms.
My onc expects that chemo would be effective because I should still be very sensitive to platinum chemo. Her hope is that it would gain another 3 years before I would need to do chemo again.
I'm not quite as afraid this time. Sure, I took a bit of time to grieve and wallow and wonder why. And I am sure there are more of those days ahead. Even Jesus didn't want to die and I am certainly no Jesus. 😅 I'm dealing with a lot of emotions, but it's not as bad as it was the first time.
My girls seem ok, too. I think Bronson is taking it the hardest. I wanted a different life for them, but those girls are amazing and resilient and I think their faith is stronger than anyone I have ever known. I thank God for that.
And, finally, I am doing some new supportive treatments. They're expensive but hopefully they help buy just a little more time that I can kiss those girls' sweet (not-so) little heads and make some good memories. 😊
Anyway, that's the news. My prayer request would be that God gives us guidance and strength. And I certainly wouldn't be adverse to a miracle, either.
❤️