My friends have been telling me to write a book since I was diagnosed with cancer and started journaling about my experience. Instead, I started this blog. It seems less permanent and risky.
The funny thing is, I have written a book- several, in fact. They just weren't worth reading by anyone but my momma and my best friend.
I have an eclectic mix of interests and experience, but some of that includes professional and volunteer writing. I wrote a monthly article on permaculture in a regional newspaper when I lived in Pennsylvania. I also wrote as a freelance content for an SEO optimizing company. (I probably should have learned a bit more about SEO and blogs, but I didn't, as I'm sure you can tell.)
I felt a little hesitant about this, though and I finally realized this: Cancer, for me, was a deeply spiritual affair.
I'm not afraid to share the fact that I have faith with people. That's not the concern. I'm not ashamed of being a Christian. In fact, I had the unpleasant experience in most of my life of being very un-Christian. I've yet to meet a person who liked that Jenny better, so if you think I'm insufferable now, you should have known me then!
No, the concern is that I realize now more than ever that we have a responsibility for what we say about Jesus and how we represent him to others.
This world isn't getting any friendlier towards Christianity, but the concern about that isn't that we poor Christians are being mistreated. The concern is that the poor people who are miserable and lost have no one to brave the world to tell them about the hope of Christ. It's possible that a person like me might say something stupid and turn them away forever.
Let's be honest, that's kind of terrifying.
I still speak out of anger. I've fibbed a time or two recently. (Usually, it involves me making up far-fetched, funny stories to tell strangers online so Bronson and I can giggle about it while eating cereal. Just because I'm immature with my lying habits doesn't mean that it's okay, though.) Just yesterday, I lost my cool with a helpdesk person who just didn't seem to understand what I meant when I said "My payment was processed" for the third time. I told her I was going to continue emailing her and being annoying until she checked her records.
She was patient, but she thought I was an idiot. I kind of was, too, because it turned out I was totally wrong. Oops.
Those things are embarrassing, but they're not scary.
Blogging about cancer health? That's a little scary. I feel responsibility to at least believe in what I'm saying and have good evidence for those beliefs.
But trying to talk to people about Jesus?
That's something I feel overwhelmingly unqualified to do.
If you know me, you'll know that's not something I say very often. I'm usually up for the challenge of learning anything I need to learn. I have bought looms, knitting needles, and musical instruments just to see if I could learn the basics of how to use them. I've read a stack of research papers just to win an argument. I'm that kind of person. (If you're thinking stubborn, unfocused, vindictive, and a little bit neurotic, you'd be right!)
There aren't any stacks of research papers that truly define our God, though, and even if there were, I still wouldn't be the right fit. You can learn everything there is to say in the Bible and still not have the wisdom to apply it to your life. James had a thing or two to say about this in 1:22. "Be doers of the word and not hearers only," is the NKJ translation. I tend to be a hearer. I'm not much of a doer... in anything.
I'm trying to learn, though, to be more of a "doer." I'm trying to be thoughtful about my words. I'm trying to learn to be more obedient to God's voice. And right now, I really believe that God's got this for me to do. I don't know what I'll even talk about on this blog when it comes to faith. I definitely expect to get some things wrong. I'll keep praying and asking for guidance, though, because I know he gives us only the lamps at our feet, not a flood light for the future.
It's my hope that whatever this blog is, whatever it becomes, that it brings glory to God and that I will be able to hear someday from him that I heeded his calling.
If you think of me, pray for wisdom while I do this. Pray that I don't say anything that would lead anyone astray or push anyone farther from God. Pray that I stay humble enough to learn to hear and do.
❤
Photo by DESIGNECOLOGIST on Unsplash
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